Someone asked me once, “What do computers think?”  I didn’t have a readily available answer for them.  I know my own computer has a lot of thoughts.  It wonders whether or not I like it, for one thing.  My computer also lets me know if I’m pushing it too hard or expecting more out of it than it is prepared to provide.  For instance, sometimes, when I have a whole bunch of windows open at the same time, my computer purposely reacts slowly to everything.  Sometimes, my computer gets so annoyed at me that it fails to even acknowledge that I’ve clicked the mouse button.  It especially dislikes this when I click multiple times while waiting for it to respond to my first clicks.

This still doesn’t answer the question about what computers think.  Like us, they have electrical impulses that help them think.  Even though they can only think in zeros and ones, it doesn’t mean that the end result of their thinking is so narrowly defined.  For instance, my computer, or at least the software that my computer uses to do things, can tell me what time an appointment is and whether or not I am late for it.  Since I’m not able to readily read zeros and ones (I’m not that strange), the computer has to interpret this for me.  So, the end results are a lot more than just zeros and ones.

The only answer available, given human limitations, is that computers think in ways that humans are not yet, and may not ever, be able to understand.  I do not know if thinking about this too much will make humans reluctant to use computers.  What if the computers do not like being used?

~ Bob Zaboo

My spellchecker doesn’t like the word slitherers and this was supposed to be a scary story about them so I’ll have to write it using some other word that my spellchecker does like; although, I don’t know why I should be constricted to the words my spellchecker knows except that I have this unrelenting desire to spell things correctly even when they mean less to me than the conspicuous lack of lenience when it comes to spelling.  Hey, but that is what this story is about: disturbingly dark and sinister creatures slithered out from under pajamas thrown on the floor after a man and woman initiated a scintillatingly romantic encounter only to end in slumber and snoring.

So, out from under crumpled up garments, hastily tossed in the passion of foreplay, came these hideously demented and demonic creature resembling rats but with no legs and tails that were twice as long as regular rats.  It did not immediately register with the sleeping couple that these horrifically devious devils reeked of blood and urine and all sorts of other noxious smells.  It was too late.  One of the creatures crawled up the overhanging bedspread, slithered for a while under the blankets up alongside the woman’s naked leg, and then climbed up onto her belly.  It smiled as it approached her navel and penetrated her abdomen just as she awoke with a silent scream.  Here eyes opened wide with the excruciating pain.  She had a horrifying realization that she was no longer human but had been invaded by the notorious slather.  The second creature did the same thing to the man.  This, of course, was the genesis of the slathering changelings.

~ Bob Zaboo

Put in a little strangeness and toss with too much cola.  Blend this with a lack of spice, too much salt and only enough pepper to make them sneeze once in a while.  Sneezing is good for geeks because it helps them clear their minds.  You must chop up a couple of indiscreet documents, slice in an abundant amount of extremely weird humor, dice in a couple of off-colored comments about the opposite sex, and then fillet a far from politically correct excerpt from more than one comment about the operating system that the other geeks use.  This combination brings out the sweaty moisture of the dish.  Nothing should be washed too often.  It is traditional to leave all outer remnants of each component of the fixings unclean and even odorous.  Sugary sweetness must be avoided at any cost.  Vinaigrette, consisting of mistyped musings, completely misunderstood rants, and acronyms that mean something different to everyone who uses them, should be added to curb any inclination for this dish to be anything but sour and depressing.  It is important that any live ingredients be far from lean.  Actually, the less movement accomplished by the main ingredients, from cradle to grave, contribute to a meal that is much more consistent with general expectations and stereotypes.  Of course, anything can be used and will be used when this mishmash is generated from dark corners of homes.  Then again, these home grown varieties are the best examples of the bland but appetizing phenomena known as geek salad.

~ Bob Zaboo

"How many times," thought the flinterbinger, "must I see this kind of thing?  I’m a simple creature with the need for simple creature comforts.  I don’t need a lot of paper because I have no bum to wipe and I don’t need a lot of television commercials because I don’t have any money with which to buy a single solitary item.  I need the sun, a bit of pollen to whiff as it floats by in a mild breeze.  That is especially nice when it comes up the valley from the ocean."  "I’ve never tried to understand," the flinterbinger continued to mused, "why that feels so good, but it does.  I’ve never even tried to figure out what I think even though I do occasionally partake in that activity—when there is nothing else to do.  Of course there is usually something else to do.  One of my favorite pastimes is to look directly into the sun as it passes over.  That can take quite a few hours and I can do that every day that the sun is not blocked by all that white stuff.  I could have just as easily done this in the ocean itself but my ancestors decided long before I was around that the water was getting too crowded.  Little did they know how crowded the land would get, but that was many, many years ago and I blame them not for making that choice.  Still, it is nice to whiff the pollens that have come by way of the sea."

~ Bob Zaboo

After carefully considering the lack of importance in most unimportant dissertations, the committee is committed to only scratching the surface of the scratch posts they call the issues.  They had a chance to have good luck but decided instead to face their fate, relying on only their intuition and reason.  This was probably a very big mistake.  How could such a group of people even consider capitalizing on elemental nuances?  It all makes no sense in the infinitesimally grand scheme of things.  No wonder people think that politicians are not worth the paper they are written on.  After many years experience in not understanding politics, or even sports for that matter, it seemed to the other group that there was just no answers available.  How can such a travesty exist at the foot of all our dreams?  Sleeping giants need big beds.  We all know this and we all believe this is the most efficient scenario.  However, can beds be made with hickory sticks?  Some experts say that it is possible but that the lack of consensus makes it difficult for furniture designers to compute the outcome.  On the other side of the problem are the well diggers who contend that even more water on our tablets will not alleviate the trial and error nature of the situation.  Nature adores a vaccination.  Why should nature be confided in for the answers to every phone call?  This way, there would be no incongruence between the planet and the planetoids we are all hoping will not go away too soon.

~ Bob Zaboo